Dear Baby of Mine…

The last baby has been born.

These last few months have been an emotional world wind. After I found I was pregnant, I found out several of my friends were too. The last one was born today. He came early..this shit just got too real.

I am happy for them all, all healthy growing babies. They are just hard to be around.

but…

this is earth shattering…Not really earth shattering but it hurts like fuck. Im convinced that this has happened because God doesnt want me to be a single parent….yeah I will just use that as my excuse. 

and now that I think about it my cousins baby is due in January. I’m sure he will come early…

I am tired of & I really dont want to hear…

that “maybe it wasnt your time”. You dont fuckin know what i had planned for my life!! 

I have been on an emotional roller-coaster that has left me embarrassed, hurt, lost and damn near unable to function. 

So no matter how you try to console someone, be careful with what you say…some people dont know any better and some people just say what has worked for them..but that IS NOT working for me. 

YES, I am angry & bitter about what I am going through, Yes I feel like I may need to talk to someone about my thoughts but please dont set yourself up to tell me HOW I SHOULD FEEL or WHAT KIND OF OUTLOOK I SHOULD HAVE ON LIFE.

If you dont know how to express your emotions into words about my situation and want me to know that you care, then “sorry for your loss or thinking of you” is the best way to go about it. No need to tack on anything about Prayer, GOD, “What is meant to be” or anything of that nature.  You really don’t have to say anything…I wont hate you if you don’t…


Malika 

My Dilemma

I have made contact with the father of what would have been my child. After finding out that I was pregnant he was not happy and wanted nothing to do with it. I cussed him several times and he expressed his dislike for me several times, and when things started to go downhill I let him know everything that was going on. He did try to console me but I continued to let his ass have it(cussing him out)…We have been talking more than usually about spending time with each other, and I went and seen him a for a lil bit the other day and my soul just ached…I miss him, his company and I want him around…and I dont know if that is just due to the loss of the baby…but He did say that he would go with me on Monday to the hospital and be my designated driver for when I have my DNC. My Friend think that the convenience of him wanting to be around now is due to the lose of the baby, and she feels that it may bring on more hurt but like I told her…I am hurting right now, and I want that comfort from him…

I dont know.

I never in a million years thought that I would be going through all of this for a second time…

My DNC is scheduled for Monday at 8 a.m.

My Pregnancy test is still showing positive and when she did an Ultrasound she said there were still a significant amount of clots and the sack is still there…i cant go 3 full minutes without crying. I seriously wish this were over…Just when I thought I was getting better mentally i am all fucked up AGAIN

First & Foremost I would like to say that there is nothing wrong with being informed about every aspect of life. i am not asking for sympathy or anything of that sort…just informing someone else on something no one ever told me. My idea of my loosing the baby was seeing an empty womb during the ultrasound. At that point I stopped having all of those feelings that i was having…it was weird and i was truly heartbroken TWICE.  This is the second time that I have had to deal with loosing a child within the first trimester. The first time was over six years ago and it was a very different experience. i was young and opted for a DNC because I felt like I couldnt handle a miscarriage on my own. This time around I felt like i was strong enough to deal with it happening naturally. I WAS WRONG!! two weeks ago I found out that my baby wasnt developing properly and then a week after that I was informed that my hormone levels had started to decrease and thus a miscarriage was soon to come. I told my OB that I would rather let it happen naturally then to do a DNC or use the pills… Well after my appointment on Wed she told me that it was time for another option..and still not wanting to go the DNC route I opted for the pills. She stated that it would be like a heavy period and the cramping would be like that…well i never really had to experience cramping during my period..I always get headaches or back pain.. I was in agony for 12 hours and the pain meds didnt kick in til it was almost over…I messed up several pair of panties/shorts/sweats/sheets/towels and even my mattress. When the doctor mentioned that it would be like a heavy period she should have mentioned it would be like a heavy period for 10 women…The cramping was weird as well, every time i felt and intense cramp i knew it was more tissue about to be passed, and when that point would come i would try to get up and hurry to the bathroom. at one point I realized that i was down to my last three pads, so texted several people asking were they awake…it was late but not that late…and my cousins gf was the first to respond…I told her what to get me and she said that she would be on her way…I went and unlocked the door and told her not to tell anyone (she was at my cousins house) and when she got here my cousin didnt come up so I assume she told him what was going on…and by her face i know she was so scared…i was just rambling on about what all had happened so far and she was just looking spooked..i had to have her help me get it together because I was mid cramp when she had got there..i had to have her give me a change of underwear and i remember saying “finding me the biggest pair you can find”  when I got it together I walked her out the door and told her thank you. The clots were huge and leakage was bad!! I passed out twice. Once trying to get a change of clothes, I knew I needed to get up and change clothes and shower for the second time because after dosing off i felt completely icky and soiled. I walked over to my closet and something didnt really feel right and i was starting to get pissed because I couldnt find any dark panties and then I remembered that my darks were in the chair in the dining room, and next thing I know I am on the floor, cant find my glasses and in intense pain, I managed to get up feeling a dizzy still and next thing I know I wake up in the tub, I was long ways with my feet hanging out the edge of the tub, that time i woke up in a daze and was able to pull myself up and get it together…after sitting there for what seemed like forever I was able to get in a shower, fresh clothes and then I took my sheets off my bed cleaned my mattress and put the stuff in the washing machine and moved to the couch where I have been since 2 something this morning. Krystal wanted me to go to the ER, but I couldnt drive myself and I really didnt want to wake anyone up.  I actually thought I was about to die on the toilet…I am past the emotional part where I am losing something that I so deeply wanted…i am now at the point in my life where I’m wondering how anyone ever made it through this before me….and for the most part I was all alone.　 I say all of that to say that You are stronger than you think and its okay to talk about this sort of thing…I have heard women talk about miscarriages but I NEVER in a million years thought that it would happen this way to me or like this. i wasnt prepared at all.. The cramping has stopped but I am still in a lot of pain and a little light headed…but thats probably because I just ate my first meal of the day. If you have any questions you know I will answer them. 
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First & Foremost I would like to say that there is nothing wrong with being informed about every aspect of life. i am not asking for sympathy or anything of that sort…just informing someone else on something no one ever told me.

My idea of my loosing the baby was seeing an empty womb during the ultrasound. At that point I stopped having all of those feelings that i was having…it was weird and i was truly heartbroken TWICE. 

This is the second time that I have had to deal with loosing a child within the first trimester. The first time was over six years ago and it was a very different experience. i was young and opted for a DNC because I felt like I couldnt handle a miscarriage on my own. This time around I felt like i was strong enough to deal with it happening naturally. I WAS WRONG!! two weeks ago I found out that my baby wasnt developing properly and then a week after that I was informed that my hormone levels had started to decrease and thus a miscarriage was soon to come. I told my OB that I would rather let it happen naturally then to do a DNC or use the pills…

Well after my appointment on Wed she told me that it was time for another option..and still not wanting to go the DNC route I opted for the pills. She stated that it would be like a heavy period and the cramping would be like that…well i never really had to experience cramping during my period..I always get headaches or back pain..

I was in agony for 12 hours and the pain meds didnt kick in til it was almost over…I messed up several pair of panties/shorts/sweats/sheets/towels and even my mattress. When the doctor mentioned that it would be like a heavy period she should have mentioned it would be like a heavy period for 10 women…The cramping was weird as well, every time i felt and intense cramp i knew it was more tissue about to be passed, and when that point would come i would try to get up and hurry to the bathroom.

at one point I realized that i was down to my last three pads, so texted several people asking were they awake…it was late but not that late…and my cousins gf was the first to respond…I told her what to get me and she said that she would be on her way…I went and unlocked the door and told her not to tell anyone (she was at my cousins house) and when she got here my cousin didnt come up so I assume she told him what was going on…and by her face i know she was so scared…i was just rambling on about what all had happened so far and she was just looking spooked..i had to have her help me get it together because I was mid cramp when she had got there..i had to have her give me a change of underwear and i remember saying “finding me the biggest pair you can find”  when I got it together I walked her out the door and told her thank you.

  • The clots were huge and leakage was bad!!

I passed out twice. Once trying to get a change of clothes, I knew I needed to get up and change clothes and shower for the second time because after dosing off i felt completely icky and soiled. I walked over to my closet and something didnt really feel right and i was starting to get pissed because I couldnt find any dark panties and then I remembered that my darks were in the chair in the dining room, and next thing I know I am on the floor, cant find my glasses and in intense pain, I managed to get up feeling a dizzy still and next thing I know I wake up in the tub, I was long ways with my feet hanging out the edge of the tub, that time i woke up in a daze and was able to pull myself up and get it together…after sitting there for what seemed like forever I was able to get in a shower, fresh clothes and then I took my sheets off my bed cleaned my mattress and put the stuff in the washing machine and moved to the couch where I have been since 2 something this morning. Krystal wanted me to go to the ER, but I couldnt drive myself and I really didnt want to wake anyone up. 

I actually thought I was about to die on the toilet…I am past the emotional part where I am losing something that I so deeply wanted…i am now at the point in my life where I’m wondering how anyone ever made it through this before me….and for the most part I was all alone.　

I say all of that to say that You are stronger than you think and its okay to talk about this sort of thing…I have heard women talk about miscarriages but I NEVER in a million years thought that it would happen this way to me or like this. i wasnt prepared at all..

The cramping has stopped but I am still in a lot of pain and a little light headed…but thats probably because I just ate my first meal of the day. 

If you have any questions you know I will answer them. 

if you have any questions please be dont be afraid to ask.

Things that have been said to me since losing the baby

  • Girl 1: Congrats on the baby!
  • Girl 2: How is Pregnancy going for you?
  • Guy 1: Are you showing yet?
  • Each time I held my composure and told them that I miscarried. I am now trying to find new ways of telling them...

i thought i was done crying. Every time someone says something thoughtful or caring to me it just breaks me down. My sleeping buddy has been over two nights in a row but had to leave early this morning to go do something. I wanted to make him breakfast but I didnt know he had to be somewhere until he woke up late. I think he is the only one I can tolerate because he doesn’t bring it up. I am going home (Chickasha) today to pick up class reunion fees and take some of the boys old clothes to my mama cause she is taking care of my cousins lil boy because of a wreck…but thats a whole different story.

I hope she still plans on making me some meatloaf.

I have a confession to make

Ever since I went to that doctors appointment I feel less than. No longer feel like I am going to be a mother and a provider for someone who comes from me. I no longer feel pregnant. Yes, I still have some tenderness in my breasts but I feel like that’s the last thing to go. I’m so glad I didn’t cry while seeing an almost empty womb when I expected to see an alien…I had a weird feeling for a long time that this pregnancy was too good to be true. I hated the fact that I celebrated to early…hell anybody would if they were as excited as me.. This is a part of my life that I am ready for…and it all may go away like it never happend. Many people think its easy to get pregnant and I know some of my followers (even though they won’t speak it) have resentment towards me, the idea and everything else but being a woman who is still classified as being obese and dealing with PCOS, a full term pregnancy is something that seems unattainable. I may be just thinking too much, and by no means am i wishing for the worst…it just seems like the worst is what’s destined to happen. I’m dreading my appointment on Wednesday.

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